Monday, February 8, 2010

Six Bucks a Quart

There’s been a lot of talk lately about how bad the economy has been. And rightly so – things have been difficult for many if not most. It’s at times like these we find unique and creative ways to get by. Let me share a couple of the ways I’ve coped.

There’s a thrift store in town where you can get Polo, Nautica and Eddie Bauer shirts for under twenty bucks. Of course, somewhere out there is a guy that has already decided this shirt isn’t a keeper. It may be because he’s so rich he changes his wardrobe every few weeks, or it could be that he’s gone on a diet and lost a lot of weight (more likely gained). I just hope he isn’t among the “dearly departed”. I’d hate to think I’m wearing the threads a guy died in. Usually I tell myself, “Someone got this as a gift and didn’t like the color so he never wore it.” Of course, that doesn’t work if the dry cleaning service has already stenciled a name in it.

Another way to save money is to buy those cheap “knock-offs” of the expensive colognes. After all, there isn’t really a difference is there? I discovered this cheap imitation of a fragrance that works for me. It’s like Cool Water – makes me smell handsome, which, trust me, is no small task. Just look up the definition of “handsome” in the dictionary. It says, “Not Reece”. Of course it’s penciled in… and I can’t quite discern whose handwriting that is. Maybe it’s time for me to buy a new dictionary.

But a word of warning to you single guys out there. If she smells your cologne and says, “You smell nice. What’s that fragrance?” LIE, Gentlemen, LIE! Lie like a lawyer for the Mafia. Or say something vague, like, “Oh, you like it? Thanks! You smell nice too!” Notice how suave and debonair that was? She’ll think she’s dating Cary Grant. Just don’t tell her you’re wearing cologne you bought at 7-11 for six bucks a quart.

Oh, by the way, earlier I said there’s really no difference between the cheap stuff and the real stuff. Well, last Valentine’s Day my wife bought me a bottle of the original - Cool Water by Davidoff for Men. And brother let me tell you, this stuff makes the six dollar stuff smell like swamp water. And you can get it at Sam’s Club for thirty-nine bucks a bottle (a very small bottle). I’ll sure be glad when the economy bounces back. I’m tired of smelling like handsome pond scum.

And no, I’m not telling you where that thrift store is. We might wear the same size.

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